In retrospect

I enjoy reading history, though sometimes I would prefer not to read my own. Today, I went back and read over this blog from today back to it's inception. It tells the tale of a man desperate to lose weight, but apparently not desperate enough.

In 2006, I was at the top of my game. I had lost over 165 pounds. I was running. I was lifting weights. I was finally finishing school after too many years. I was about to embark on a big boy job. I felt exceptional. I was in control.

Then we moved and I began to let things slide, just a little bit at first. I wrote it off to the new job. I saw the expensive dinners as a part of making connections. But my weight crept up. A little bit at a time until I reached the 240s. For a time, I came out of my pizza-induced stupor and got my weight back down to a fairly trim 212 in 2008.  I kept at it for a while, but again, life came at me.

We began to pursue adoption in earnest. Stressor #1. In the midst of that process, my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. Stressor #2. Some dear friends of ours chose to leave our community of faith, and not on good terms.  Stressor #3.

Excuses all, but I gave in to those excuses.  I took the reins off. In 3 short years, I gained 90 pounds. I did what I vowed I would never do and got back over 300 pounds, even if just for a week. I look back now on my previous stop-gap of 225 with longing.

If I were to continue gaining 30 pounds a year, by 2014 I would be back to my previous high weight of 370. By 2020--well, it's unthinkable.

I wish food weren't a comfort. I wish God had gifted me with self-control.

I wish.

But it is time to stop wishing and time to start doing.

240x40

A new year is upon us. A time for resolution, I suppose. But most resolutions are are cast by the wayside a week, or a month later. How to prevent that? I don't have an answer to that yet. I do know that a few days ago, I weighed in at 302.4.  That's right, I broke the 300 pound barrier again.

So, off to 240 pounds by my 40th birthday. I am down 5 so far.  Prayer's appreciated.

298.1

The trip was better than I expected. On the way down, we stopped for lunch at Culvers. Normally, this would be a double cheeseburger, curds, and frozen custard for me. I had the grilled chicken, mashed potatoes, and no custard. So far so good.

We arrived in the Dells and the food was abundant. My step-mother had a big batch of meatballs. I dove right in. Then we swam and climbed stairs.  And swam, and climbed stairs. It was more activity than I have had for a while.  Dinner was baked ham with bread and cheesecake (we didn't plan sides well). I only had one piece of cheesecake.

The next day, pancakes and bacon for breakfast. I had 3 strips of bacon and 3 pancakes.  Then more swimming. Later, we stopped at an overpriced candy shop and I got a coconut haystack.  It was just one, but it was about 4 inches tall.  I wasn't disappointed with the choice. For lunch, I did order more than I should have--a couple of sandwiches and a side of fries.  Dinner was also a bit excessive, but I reined it in much faster than normal.

I will count that as the better choice.

Wisconsin Dells

Today, we are heading to the Wisconsin Dells for a family Christmas with my dad. The time spent with them is usually enjoyable, but the junk food is also abundant. At my size, I fit right in with this group and so overeating is a normative experience. This weekend is definitely a time when Making the Better Choice will need to come into play. Choosing smaller portions, maintaining an awareness of what I am eating, and seeking other activities will all need to be the order of the day.  I'll write more when I get back.

295.9

I can highlight several incidents in my life that strengthened my love for sweets. As a young guy, I remember sitting around my aunt Sandy's table, eating "cake toppings". Cake decorators cut the tops of their cakes. Sandy would have a big pile of them. And a bowl of frosting. Incident #1.

During my mother's marriage to her second husband, she and I would grocery shop together. We would stop and get frozen custard before we would go to the store. Double dips. Then again on the way home. This gave way to eating large bags (1 pound plus) of peanut M&Ms.

I eventually found myself eating large amounts of sweets.  Whole cakes. Dozens of cookies. I would eat until I was sick. This continued until very recently.

Over the past few days, I have been toying with the "dessert bite" concept. Each day, if I wish, I may have a bite of a dessert. This will allow for the taste, but not the excessive calories. I think there might be something to this. 

I think this will be making the better choice.

297.1

Diner for breakfast. I had eggs, ham, hashbrowns, and wheat toast. 

Delivery for lunch.  Green Mill.  If you've never eaten there, it is pretty tasty.  I spent a lot of time reviewing the menu, trying to Make the Better Choice.  I decided on an open faced pot roast sandwich. They were out of it.  I switched and ordered a penne and wild mushroom pasta--lunch portion.

Even the lunch portion was huge. As was my breakfast. I ate slowly and left half of each of them sit. I know, I know. I am wasting food. Such is life. 

One of the lessons I learned when I was doing the Weigh Down Diet was that it was OK to leave things behind and that it was OK to pick through for your favorite parts. I did that today.

I made the better choice.

Three bills

Well, I almost weighed 3 bills at my doctors appointment today. 300 pounds. A perfect bowling game. In October 2008, I weighed 212 pounds. That means in 3 years, I have gained 88 pounds. Nearly 30 pounds a year, every year, for 3 years. There are numerous factors, I suppose--adoption, Heather's cancer, and a host of others. My tendency to stress eat has been made obvious. But why do I persist? Why have I lost hope in my ability to be successful?

It's interesting, several years ago, I said that I would never allow my weight to go back over 215 pounds. Either I suck at math, or I lost sight of that goal. I do need to stop now.